Jokes and Funny Pics

goodstuff

成人笑話

1，新娘次日一大早痛苦的從洞房走出，一手扶牆，一手摀著下身大罵：真是個騙子！婚前說有三十年積蓄，我還以為是錢呢！
　
2，一人自幼家貧光腚，其母用米袋做內褲，洞房夜脫去長褲，其妻當場昏倒，內褲前面赫然標明：淨重30公斤。
　
3，賴昌星和楊鈺瑩海邊散步，賴指著遠處的軍艦說：這幾年我在你身上花的錢夠買這艘軍艦了。楊鈺瑩說：這幾年你在我身上打的砲也可以把這軍艦炸沉！
　
4，我看到一條短信好好笑
　說來聽聽嘛
　可是有點黃色
　黃色的地方就跳過嘛
跳過跳過跳過跳過跳過，講完了～～～
　
5，農家有客來，主人想殺公雞，可公雞飛上屋頂不下來，主人罵道：再不下來，我把母雞全殺了，讓你生不如死！公雞狂笑道：靠，老子終於可以找野雞了！
　
6，女記者問農場主人瘋牛病的由來，農場主說：“我一天擠十次奶，母牛一年只交配一回”，記者不解，農場主大聲說：天天揉你乳房，一年只X你一次，你不瘋啊？
　
7，女人三字經：死遠些，別碰我，放開手，我喊了，你討厭，不可以，不要嘛，你輕點，好舒服，不要停，用力點，不行了，抱緊我，要來了，快咬我，我還要…………
　
8，鄉下來的小保姆看見床上一個用過的避孕套，不知何物，女主人輕蔑的說：你們鄉下人不搞這個麼？保姆說：也做，但是沒你們這個激烈，搞到脫皮。
　
9，女子監獄發生暴動，警察眼看難以控制局面，監獄長拿過話筒，大喊一句，犯人們立刻平息了，她喊的是：“你們再鬧下去，今天晚餐的黃瓜就切片！”
　
10，尼姑養的鷹把和尚菜園的桶、瓢、叉都偷跑了，和尚生氣抓住這只鷹，拔光它的毛，尼姑心疼過來吵架，她說：你要桶，我給你桶，你要瓢，我給你瓢，你要叉，我給你叉，可是你幹嗎拔光我的鷹毛？
　
11，一隻蚊子和一隻蟑螂偷看一個少女洗澡，蚊子吹牛說：我十年前在她胸前叮了兩個包，現在居然腫這麼大了。蟑螂說：那有什麼了不起，十年前我在她下面砍了一刀，現在她每個月都出一次血！
　
12，一個吸血鬼長得太醜，勾引不到女人，鬱鬱而終，死後他哀求上帝讓我來世變成像天使那樣潔白可愛，還要有兩個翅膀，並且隨時可以喝到少女的血。他的願望實現了，他變成了一包護翼型衛生巾。

    13，某男拿女醫生所開處方轉了半天回來問：“13超到底在哪？”女醫生笑曰：“不是13超，是B超。”男大怒曰：“靠，你的' B"分得也太開了！ ”

    14，一女兵裝男兵打仗，突來月經，血流股間，連長見狀忙問：“怎麼了？哪裡受傷了？”女兵說：”沒事，沒事。”連長不信，強行扒下其褲子一看！大怒道：“他嗎的雞吧都給炸飛了！還說沒事！”

    15，王師傅坐公共汽車到某市的高潮鎮。因沒去過所以剛過二站就開始問女售票員：“高潮到了沒有？”女售票員答：“沒有。”過了二站後，王師傅又問：“高潮到了沒有？”女售票員答： “沒有。”沒過幾分鐘，王師傅又問：“高潮到了沒有？”這時，女售票員實在是不耐煩了。高聲地回答道：“高潮到了，我會叫的！”話音剛落，舉座皆驚。目光一齊投向女售票員。

    16，一排妓女在街邊等客，一位八旬老婦見到了,好奇的問：你們在等什麼？妓女沒好氣的說：等棒棒糖！老婦也就排隊加入隊伍等糖，結果被警察抓，警察問老婦：你牙都沒了也能？老婦笑著曰：我可以舔的！ ！

    17，一男青年在公交車上看到一美女的衣領開得很低,春光外洩,戲言道'真是桃花盛開的地方啊'美女聽後,撩起裙子說:'還有生你養你的地方'！

    18，一小姐吃飯時點了道爆炒狗鞭,夾菜時不慎掉到兩腿之間,小姐大驚:這玩意真厲害!煮熟了剁碎了,它竟還認識路！

    19，幼兒園小芳老師指著黑板上:m,a,y,d,b幾個拼音考考小朋友, 小朋友們用最標準的發音說:"摸-阿-姨-的-逼"！ ！

    20，一女地下工作者被捕, 被逼寫信引首長上鉤，女地下工作者逼於無奈只有寫, 寫完後偷偷從私處撥了幾根B毛夾在信中,首長看完信後, 拿著B毛聞一聞，瞅一瞅，苦思冥想，沉思片刻突然恍然大悟: 原來是：陰（毛）謀！ ！

    21，某漂亮MM跑進游泳池時不小心掛破泳衣，眾男生見狀就瞪著她直瞧． ． ．此時漂亮MM沿著池邊走，發覺有異，順手抓起一塊牌子遮住重點部位． ． ．此時男生們哈哈大笑！漂亮MM覺得奇怪，後來發現牌子上寫著＂男士專用＂，趕快換面。可是當她換面的時候，男士們笑聲更大，原來． ． ．那牌子上寫著＂此處深二米＂！

    22，一隻大象問駱駝:'你的咪咪怎麼長在背上？ '駱駝說:'死遠點，我不和雞吧長在臉上的東西講話！

    23，小女孩總是向小男孩炫耀自己的新玩具.小男孩沒辦法,
           只好脫掉褲子說:這個你永遠沒有!女孩也脫掉褲子說:
           我說只要有這個,你那玩意兒要多少有多少!

goodstuff

十任老公離婚記

一女子兩年內離婚十一次。問其何故，搖頭苦答：
一任夫君 中原石油的....，鑽太深，受不了；
二任老公 消防隊的....，拔出來就噴，難受；
三任老公 建設局的....，脫了又穿，穿了又脫，瞎拆騰；
四任老公 包魚塘的....，一連兩次水乾了才搞，不痛才怪；
五任老公 是公安局的....，喜歡綁住幹活，不準我動，苦不堪言；
六任老公 是個組織部的....，光談話，會唬人，就是不搞實事；
七任老公 是個搞古玩的..，整天輕手輕腳捧著看，比真搞還難受；
八任老公 是個外科醫生....，不見血不停手；
九任老公 是科技局的....，整天吵著要創新；
十任老公 是稅務局的...，整天就知道睡，睡，睡；
最後....
最後一個老公 是公務員，就知道走“後 門”。

goodstuff

----- Forwarded Message -----

Thought you might get a kick out of this..........


Dear Revenue Canada:

Enclosed and/or attached, you will find my 2011 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from the Toronto Globe and Mail; dated 12 November, where in you will see the Canadian Department of National Defense paying $171.50 per hammer and Fisheries and Oceans Canada has paid $600.00 per toilet seat for its icebreakers.

As payment, I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers (valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Canadian Tire, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00. Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to next year's tax bill or a roll of toilet paper.

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forwardto paying it again next year.
God Bless Canada!

Sincerely,
A Cape Bretoner

goodstuff

An old  nun   who was  living in a convent next to a construction  site
noticed the coarse language of the  workers and  decided to spend some  time with them to correct  their ways.      

She  decided she would take her  lunch;  sit with  the workers; and talk  with them.  She put  her sandwich in a brown bag and  walked  over to the  spot where the men were  eating. Sporting  a big smile, she walked up to the group and  asked:  "And do  you men know Jesus  Christ?"      

They  shook their heads and looked at each other...  very confused.  One of  the workers looked up into the steelworks and  yelled out,  "Anybody  up there know Jesus  Christ?"      

One of  the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?"  The  worker yelled back,  "'Cause  his wife's here with his  lunch."  

goodstuff

An elderly gentleman in a nursing home spent his whole day sitting in a quiet corner of the garden, starring straight, doing nothing, & simply killing time.  This has become his daily routine.

One day, he noticed that there was an elderly lady doing the same thing in the other corner of the garden.  So, he went over & started a casual chit-chat.

From then on, life changed.  He looked forward to seeing the lady, & enjoying the conversation without which life was really dull.  Eventually, he developed a good feeling towards this lady.

Finally, he picked up his courage & said to the lady, “this is the last leg of our lives, & I don’t know how long I could live, but I have a special affection for you, & I would really appreciate if you could hold my JJ every time we meet here, then I will have no regret leaving this world.”

“No problem!” the lady said.

This went on for a few weeks & life was full of joy & hope again!

One day, the elderly gentleman disappeared, & the elderly lady was worried that the man might have passed away or something.  She looked around & found the man with another female resident of the nursing home.

So she confronted this gentleman, “You told me that your dying wish was to have me holding your JJ, then you’ll have no more regrets when you go.  Why are you seeing this lady & not me?  What does she have & I don’t??”

The gent said, “She has Parkinson’s Disease!”






(If you don't get the joke, please note that if a person has Parkinson's Dissease, the hands will move /shake uncontrollably.)

goodstuff

Mick looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign read, "Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $6.50 per pair".

Mick said to his buddy, "Look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of dose and when we get back to St. John's could make a fortune."

Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking cause if they hear our accents,  they might think were thickos from Newfoundland and try to screw us. I'll put on my best accent.

Right y'are Mick, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do all da business said Tom.

They go in and Mick said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at $10.00 each, 100 shirts at $4.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at $6.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load em on, so I will."
The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Newfoundland, aren't you?"

"Well yes," said a surprised Mick. "What gave it away?"
The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners".

goodstuff

THE FAITH HEALER

Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their various disorders.

"I want a baby more than anything in the world, " said the first, "But I guess it is impossible."

"I used to feel just the same way," said the second.  "But then everthing changed.  That's why I'm here.  I'm going to have a baby in three months"

"You must tell me what you did."

"I went to a faith healer."

"But I've tried that.  My husband & I went to one for nearly a year & it didn't help a bit."

The other smiled & whispered, "Try going alone, next time, dearie!"

goodstuff

高級笑話
領導讓秘書清査：“我身邊有什麼日貨，要幫我查清楚”秘書彙報：“查了，一件都沒有。你的車是德國的，手錶是瑞士的，衣服是法國的，手機是蘋果的，你的孩子在美國，你的房子在澳洲，你的帳號在香港。還有你喜歡的那幾個小姐，都是國產的。”領導放心的說：“那就全民一心，抵制日貨吧！”
同學你叫什麼 大學時有位室友在校園遇到一個美女，一見鍾情，每天魂不守舍。一天中午我和他外出吃飯時，見美女進了一家麵館，於是我們也尾隨進去。我勸他抓緊表白，於是他鼓足勇氣，走上前去，憋紅了臉問道：「同學你叫什麼？」那美女愣愣地看著我同學：「我叫牛肉麵。」室友當時就傻了，我在旁邊笑翻了sml！
男人都是騙子
一隻母狼剛失戀，覓食時路過一間小屋，聽到一個男人教訓自己的孩子：「再哭，就把你扔出去，餵狼！」小孩在屋裡哭了一夜，狼在外面守了一夜。早上天亮了，又冷又餓的狼哽咽得說：「男人，男人都是騙子！」  
一個發生在歐洲的笑話。
日本客戶很生氣的對承包廠商罵道：
「你明明說好二十四個小時準時交貨的，為何拖了三天才交！」
廠商不慌不忙的辯解道：「因為我們一天工作八個小時！」少來這一套秀萍：「最近有一個久沒聯絡的同學一直來找我，好煩喔！」
秋茹：「他有什麼事？」
秀萍：「他推銷一套百科全書。」
秋茹：「你用什麼方法拒絕他？」
秀萍：「半開玩笑地跟他說：『少來這一套』。」
秋茹：「那他有什麼反應？」
秀萍：「結果他又介紹我另一套！售後服務一個人走進眼鏡店，抱怨說，他新配的眼鏡太緊，夾得頭很痛。服務員問：是否需要幫你把眼鏡調鬆一點。那個人答：不用了，我只想你幫我按摩一下頭。 忘了她奶奶的年紀黃教授是里弄裡面的鄰里關係協調員，有一天蛋糕店的送貨員阿土前來投訴。這是他送完貨回來，臉上帶著一個大大的掌印，黃教授不解地問說: “怎麼了? 臉上卦彩?"阿土就說: “那個女客戶的奶奶生日啊, 可是我送去後啊, 就忘了她奶奶的年紀啊，我就問那個女的一句話… 結果就 “啪"!"黃教授就問: “哪有人這樣的, 你說了什麼了?"阿土就說:「我就問她啊… 你奶奶多大啊? 就被….」開的快一點今天搭計程車出去，我叫那司機開的快一點。司機開到路上的人我都看不清楚，連飆四個紅燈，然後我擔心的問司機：不用這麼急的，不然可能會讓你吊銷駕照的。只見那司機很淡定的說道，放心。。。我沒有駕照。。。如果你講慢一點的話前段時間，我去超市，結賬台上有兩個外國友人在我前面結賬。店員問：「Can you speak Chinese?」兩個外國友人用中文回答：「如果你講慢一點的話，我們可以聽懂！」店員接著說：「Can……you……speak……Chinese?」

goodstuff

老祖宗有先見之明

1、問：「為什麼有錢有權的都移民了？」
答：「貧賤不能移！」  

2、問：為什麼有權有勢的都永遠不會認錯？」  
答：「威武不能屈！」

3、問：為什麼有錢有勢的包養女人不叫淫？
答：富貴不能淫！

goodstuff

两个饺子结婚了，送走客人后新郎回到卧室，竟发现床上躺着一个肉丸子！新郎大惊，忙问新娘在哪？肉丸子害羞的说：讨厌，人家脱了衣服你就不认识啦！