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Jokes and Funny Pics

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 楼主| 发表于 2014-12-22 01:48:00 | 显示全部楼层
WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS????

A drunk man, who smelled of liquor, sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,
'Say Father, do you know what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be  damned, '
Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry.
I didn't mean to come on so strong.  How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father.  I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.
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 楼主| 发表于 2014-12-22 01:48:13 | 显示全部楼层
Only the Irish have Jokes Like These

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
looking like he'd just been run over
se is broken,
his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you,
he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,
didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
*****************************************

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink
is driving home from the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver,
where have ya been?"
" Why, I've been to the pub of course,"
slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms across his chest,
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
*****************************************************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
"I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.
But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus
is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat
of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim.
Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact,
he got out three times to pee."
************************************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after
his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said,
'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
***********************************
ANDTHE BEST FOR LAST
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,
enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his
attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin,
there's no paper on this side either!"
  
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 楼主| 发表于 2014-12-22 01:49:23 | 显示全部楼层
不去北京不知道自己官小
不去廣東不知道自己錢少
不去東北不知道自己膽小
不去大連不知道自己見過的好車太少
不去四川不知道自己結婚太早
不去天津不知道社會主義好
不去海南不知道自己身体不好
不去山東不知道自己酒量不好


一瓶兩瓶不算酒
三瓶四瓶才開頭
五瓶六瓶齊步走
七瓶八瓶扶牆頭
喝上十瓶牆走我不走

老婆是私車有牌有照大膽開
情人是黑車有牌無照偷著開
小姐是公車牌照全無大家開

拉著老婆的手, 好像左手拉右手,一點感覺都沒有
拉著情人的手,
好像回到十八九

單身是山路
戀愛是大路
分手是叉路
試婚是探路
結婚是絕路
重婚是短路
離婚是活路
再婚是死路
婚外戀是快活路

一等美女飄洋過海,
二等美女深圳珠海,
三等美女北京上海 ,
四等美女在家等待.

一等男人國外有家,
二等男人家外有家,
三等男人牆外開花 ,
四等男人下班回家.
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 楼主| 发表于 2014-12-22 01:50:28 | 显示全部楼层
A cowboy walked into a drug store in Texas and asked to talk to a male
pharmacist.  The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist
and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there.
She assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that

he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the
highest level of professionalism.


The cowboy then agreed and began by saying,  "This is tough for me to discuss

but I have a permanent erection.   It causes me a lot of problems and severe
embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it?.'

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."   Upon returning
she said,   "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is One third
ownership in the store, a pickup truck, and $3,000 a month "living expenses."
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 楼主| 发表于 2014-12-22 01:51:06 | 显示全部楼层
TAKING A WOMAN TO BED

At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you??

At 88  --  no story, bed all day.

At 98 --  no bed, end of story!
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 楼主| 发表于 2014-12-22 01:52:06 | 显示全部楼层
1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory.
      I don't remember, what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to
      men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on
earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly,Try
Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner,
      you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small
(obviously before touch-tone which can be quite stimulating.....).

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
      A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He
      was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......

15. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
  A: Breasts don't have eyes.

16. Despite the old saying, ' Don 't take your troubles to bed',
      many men still sleep with their wives!!
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 楼主| 发表于 2014-12-22 01:52:18 | 显示全部楼层
七言絕詩! (工作篇)   打工眾生相


失業半年返職場,湯雞還神燒炮仗,開工本應喜洋洋,誰知世態變炎涼·
  
掃地阿嬸識雞腸,看更得過文學獎,學士碩士唔馨香,皆因博士也在場·
  
助理一職百人搶,人工一定唔理想,五六仟蚊算中上,十二個月無雙糧·
  
萬人之下一人上,簽約兩年要裝香,資源增值假現象,強逼發揮你所長·
  
冷氣滴水修故障,電腦中毒你當殃,修理馬桶最平常,老細座架要保養·
  
打字影印寫文章,有空送信兼抹窗,早場做到午夜場,七天工作真無良·
  
週一驗貨到南昌,週二見客在新疆,週三蒙古收爛賬,週四重慶釘木箱·
  
週五東莞曬臘腸,週六返港天已亮,週日加班無補賞,晚上終於胃潰瘍·
  
對住老板要讚賞,對應上司扮羔羊,對付下屬要表揚,對待同事要禮讓·
  
公司文化漸端詳,不懂都要頂硬上,同事有功必定搶,下屬有錯不原諒·
  
老細鬧我正粉腸,開會猶如打靶場,比人插到胃氣脹,鬧完仲要拍手掌·
  
返工慘過去當娼,皆因形勢比人強,無奈只有扮智障,只為月底一份糧·
  
笑臉迎人裝模樣,像是置身於歡場,這種壓力無法想,長此下去會缺氧·
  
打算請假來休養,老細面孔像晚娘,再講除非嫌命長,返回座位暗神傷·
  
妻兒少見無印象,晚餐白飯豆瓣醬,家裡只有四面牆,卡啦OK 廁所唱·
  
身心疲累自惆悵,真想回鄉去插秧,或是少林當和尚,不知不覺進夢鄉·
  
夢裡見到文天祥,廟前幫人看面相,招手要我捧個場,端詳面相看手掌·
  
贈言我來日方長,各行各業可多嘗,虛心學習要忍讓,只要奮發心向上·
  
挖角升職薪水漲,有家有娘有車輛,撥開雲霧見太陽,天空海闊任飛翔·
  
臨行美金作打賞,天祥雙眼直發亮,睜眼還是四面牆,身旁還是孩子娘·
  
擦牙洗面打開窗,早餐多士凍鴛鴦,以上所講無誇張,全是打工眾生相·  
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 楼主| 发表于 2014-12-22 01:52:30 | 显示全部楼层

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'
The girl said, 'NO!'
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went    fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and  left the toilet seat up and belched whenever he Wanted.                                      
THE END
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 楼主| 发表于 2014-12-22 01:53:04 | 显示全部楼层
A seasoned tourist went to Spain.  Aside from sight-seeing, he enjoyed sampling local foods.

One evening, he was in a restaurant which caters to local gormets.  He saw the table beside him ordered some meat balls, they smelled very good, & the guests praised the food & the chef.

The tourist decided to try & asked for the Head Waiter/Captain.  
"Can I order the same meat balls?"
"I am sorry, but you cannot."
"Why not?"
"That is this restaurant's "signature dish".  The meat balls are actually bull's balls & they are very popular.  You need to order in advance."
"So?  Order the bull's balls then.  I can always come back tomorrow."
"You don't understand, Sir.  These are NOT ordinary bull's balls.  These are bull's balls from the bull fight ring.  Once you consumed these bulls' balls, you can charge back & forth all night, just like the bulls in the ring!"
" Please order them.  Now I really want them." (Think of his performance with a serorita after the meal.)
"Bull fight is our national past-time, but there is only bull fight only during the week-end.  When the bulls are "defeated", they would be killed by the metadors, & the bodies removed from the arena/ring quickly. We then use our contact + influence to buy these bulls' balls."
"OK.  I will come next Monday then."
"No problem.  we will have this specialty ready for you, & you will enjoy them."  

The following Monday, the tourist showed up at the restaurant.  The Head Waiter came over.
"Thank you for coming, your dish is ready."
"Bring it on!"

When the dish came, the tourist looked at it & asked for the Head Waiter again.
"How come these balls are much smaller than the ones last week?"
The Head Waiter was embarrassed & hesitant to offer a reply.
The tourist pressed on & finally demanded to see the Manager.

The Manager came.

"I am extremely sorry, Sir.  The bulls won last week-end."  
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 楼主| 发表于 2014-12-22 01:53:14 | 显示全部楼层
一家百年歷史的釀酒廠的品酒師去世了,酒廠經理開始物色新品酒師,發出啟事、廣納賢才。
一個衣衫襤褸、面容邋遢的醉漢跑到酒廠來說要應徵。
經理當下就看醉漢很不爽,心想該怎麼樣才能把他打發跑?
他讓人拿來一杯酒,醉漢拿來稍一品嚐便開口:「麝香葡萄酒,三年醇,葡萄生在北坡,用大木桶釀製。雖屬低檔,但質量也還可以接受。」
「完全正確。」經理點了點頭,於是招人再拿來一杯酒。
醉漢一嚐又開口說:「紅葡萄酒,八年醇,西南坡生,新鮮橡木桶、 8攝氏度恆溫釀製。欲得最佳口感,還需貯藏三年。」
酒廠經理十分驚訝!「完全正確。」接著又是一杯。
這一次醉漢若有所思,低頭說:「無年份皮諾香檳,獨家高檔。」醉漢淡定地作答。
此時經理震驚了,他向身邊的秘書使了個眼色,秘書離開房間,回來時手上拿了一杯尿液遞給醉漢,他還是嚐了一口。
只聽到醉漢冷冷的說「金髮妞,26歲,已有三個月身孕,而且……如果你們再不把工作給我,我就把當爹的是誰說出來。」
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