my diary - just for the record......

happypooning

She said "it hurts" I said " I am glad it hurts, it's supposed to hurt so next time you won't be this clumsy. If you can't multi-task, THEN DON'T multi task, why is the TV on, were u chatting with Friend A on the phone. clearly you were distracted, that's why...I haven't even finished what i was going to say. Tears started coming down from her big puppy eyes. When a girl is crying, the least effective way is to tell her "don't cry" or "stop crying" because if anything she will cry louder and harder, because now she got ur attention.
I put the lid back to Mentholatum jar, and hugged her and said "SHOW SHOW sweetie" "SHOW SHOW" within 10 seconds she stopped crying and looked at me puzzled and asked "what r u saying" "show show??" SEE. i got her to stopped so fast, so efficiently.

then i explained it does not mean anything technically. u can't look it up in the dictionary
something my grandma used to say when i fell, or whenever i cried when i was a little boy. "show show" it soothes babies, it's fairly commonly used in my culture. or the environment where i grew up.

she did stop, and asked me" why u got to be so mean to me, i don't understand"
I hesitated, i did not say anything out loud, but in my head, i want her to be independent, i want her to be less clumsy, i want her to be more careful whatever she does. i want her to be fully capable of looking after herself with or without me . but i knew i couldn't say it, it will be like firing a pistol and expect to retreat the bullet. the best i can do is to imply., so fire the pistol but miss the target intentionally, so hopefully she gets the idea. nothing lasts forever, not even true love

easternstar

so $$$ is the foundation of a relationship, however it doesnt necessary lead to a happy ending...

like your situation now, you do have $$$, but you cant give her what she really wants and vise versa she cannot provide what you expect a bride "should be" either. the "rules of society" are pushing you guys apart

happypooning

easternstar 发表于 2014-4-11 18:01
so $$$ is the foundation of a relationship, however it doesnt necessary lead to a happy ending...

l ...

it's not that simple.. u want to know the truth. even if we met at a bookstore or a coffee shop, there is still no happyending. simply because i am chinese, chinese canadian or whatever u wanna call me, but bottom line is i am gonna marry a chinese girl.. not just because of my family, my parents, i think it's the best for me too. u know how much i love brunettes, i am not ashamed to admit it, i am obsessed with brunettes. but dating and marriage r two different things.

i am too possessive and too protective to marry a white girl, period. sweetie won't be happy with me after a period of time. what's mine is mine

u touch it, i chop ur hand off.. but this is unrealistic in Canadian culture. so i won't settle down with a CBC either, too white-washed. a fob or someone from asia is fine.. this is depressing. but what can i do

easternstar

happypooning 发表于 2014-4-11 18:12
it's not that simple.. u want to know the truth. even if we met at a bookstore or a coffee shop, th ...

true that, after dating two asian girls from a different culture background, have to say theres an invisible gap between me and them... not to mention white girls...

i guess like you said, theres no need to discuss further about the so called future of your current relationship, should've just enjoy it for now...

happypooning

April 20th, 2014

We had a long chat today. I don't want to record the dialogue here on 747, because it's depressing,  it's embarrassing and it's dark which would reveal the evil side of me.
After the "talk", I stood up and looked outside the window.

I desperately wish i could. I simply don't want to disappoint her again.
She patted me on the back and attempted to put her arm around my shoulder.
she said " baby it's ok. we had a deal, I know u think i am immature, and i can be hysterical. but i am gonna honor our agreement"

the biggest problem is sweetie sees the world in black and white. she only distinguishes from black to white. right to wrong. u r either a nice/good person or bad/evil person. no grey area. she fails or incapable of recognizing the intermediate colour between black and white

Once she determines I am a "nice" guy. All the attributes associated with a nice guy introduced and placed on me by her. She makes a lot of subjective assumptions, but since every person is unique in his or her own way, my set of nice guy's attributes is not gonna be identical as urs. huge discrepancy. once she establishes that set of attributes, she forms certain expectations, and she uses those to predict my future behaviors. this is where it all go wrong

happypooning

April 22nd, 2014- here is my catharsis

Do i love sweetie?

To be honest, i don't know, perhaps i chose not to know. quite frankly, i dont want to think about this question. cause it's gonna create a huge internal conflict, a tsunami in my peaceful mind.

Do i care about her?


u bet! she is one of the most important people to me. she will always be.
If she sheds a tear, i have a poker face for hours.

If she is upset and lack of appetite, i will not eat anything either.

She is my sweetie, that's all i can say for now, without hurting my ego, my morals ( if there is any left) to make everyone feel better, to make me less of an @sshole

happypooning

April 29th, 2014

superstar, something bad happened today, i almost called u, then i quickly realized u r in states...i panicked a bit...i lost the umbrella  the one sweetie gave me, the one u saw, the one i did not want to use was saving it for special occasion, the black automatic umbrella with unique silver circle pattern. i decided to use it, it was pouring when i left this morning, i thought it's perfect to try out how durable how windproof this umbrella is. turn out to be the worst idea.. 30 mm of rain expected. and i lost it

i was late for work, and i was in a hurry i didn't drive, took TTC, i left the umbrella's on the subway, because it was wet, i didn't want to put into my briefcase. so i left it beside me, and i forgot to take it when i exited the subway, didn't realize when i was about to go out to get lunch, oh God, my heart stopped pounding, i can't lose that umbrella, it's from sweetie, she is gonna be furious, she is gonna make a fuss about it.. i told my colleague to contact TTC for me if there is any way i can retrieve the umbrella. i went out to search for it, i figure worst case scenario, i can always buy a new one that looks the same, and sweetie wouldn't have a clue.. little did i know, this umbrella is unique alright, i went to eaton centers, winners, so many little stores trying to find one. no luck at all, the pattern is too unique, i don't know where did she get it from.. then i went back to the office, my colleagues were all like it's just an umbrella, i will buy u two new ones if u r tht obsessed with umbrellas... but u don't understand this is not an ordinary umbrella, it's the f-cking umbrella. one and only, irreplaceable, u guys wouldn't understand, sweetie bought it, she said she spent hours searching for the "perfect" gift for me.

u know how is gonna interpret when she found out i lost it, she is gonna think, i don't care enough, i don't take it seriously enough, if i can lose something from her, so freaking easily, so fast. she doesn't mean much to me, of course it's not fcking true, but she is gonna think that like, that's how she processes, how she over analyzes, something freaking this trivial... TTC personnel said this is not considered valuable, he doubts ppl will return it, i don't have my name on it either to prove it belongs to me.. omg.. this is not valuable, how come at this very moment i feel like my life depends on it, it's the most valuable thing to me in my entire life..

i had to tell sweetie, because she will know when we have dinner tonight, she can tell if i am lying, so i texted her, no response, so i called her, she was not happy at all.. i was right, she was saying that, i just gave it to u 2 weeks ago, how can u lose it already, i am not being hysterical, u r unbelievable.. she was upset..to say the least.. sigh..to make thing worse, i asked her where did she get it from, i will go buy it now, she said no. i will not find it. i went to her condo, she wouldn't let me in, i waited and waited, buzz her, text her, no use.. she ignored me clearly. so i was pacing back and forth around her condo, i didn't know what to do, i know she isn't going to let it go this easily... i don't blame her, i was too clumsy, how could i forget about it, how could i..can not even keep an umbrella for a day. i lost in less than an hour first time using it from her...

it wasn't pouring anymore, drizzle, i was wet, i was cold, i didn't know what to do, because we r both under a lot of pressure already, i know she wants me to stop using escort, this gonna trigger a fight... she says this shows how insignificance i am to u, fck i totally knew she was going to say something like that. u r a person, u r not an umbrella. i will lose an umbrella, but i will never lose u unless u leave me

why didn't they put gps on the freaking umbrella, so i can track it with my phone,

i was pacing for at least 30 mins until my phone rang, and she came downstairs, she hugged me, she said r u stupid, this is ur fav. suit. and look at u, u r freezing u gonna catch a cold

i am stupid to lose ur umbrella, i am sorry
this suit is 1400 dollars, apparently, it's not as valuable as the umbrella u gave me

one umbrella, ruined my suit, my dress shoes, risk of catching a cold, missed half day of work, didn't eat lunch

and u r telling me u r insignificant to me. imagine if i didn't lose the umbrella, i lost u.. i will literally go insane.

easternstar

happypooning 发表于 2014-4-29 16:53
April 29th, 2014

superstar, something bad happened today, i almost called u, then i quickly realize ...

i shut down both 3G network and and carrier network, dont wanna get into any scary data roaming bills.

its voice = $1.5/MIN, data = $5/MB, and $0.6/text msg lol...

i can image how she felt and how panic you were when you realized that  you lost the umbralla...

happened to me before, except i was the one who bought the present...

we two are alike as i dont like 隔夜气 either, i'd rather solve the problem/conflict or whatever within that particular day, i hate cold wars, its more violent than any other forms of argument...

you took the hard way, like what 男主角 uaually will do in some dramas... but what if she didnt find out you were downstairs... i will be a little 理性/pussy if i were you...

anyways, all's well that ends well, im glad that you two are still together   
although 你们两个性格上可能不大般配，互虐啊互虐... 看着让人揪心

happypooning

May 11th, 2014

After church, i went straight to sweetie's place for lunch. We had salad, egg salad sandwich, and corn soup. I was like, " are we both on diet now? there is no meat, am i going to be a vegetarian from now on?

she said " you eat too much meat, do u have any idea how much meat u consume in a day" i said " i eat a lot of seafood too, not like i eat steak or chicken breast every day." she said " seafood is meat too, you don't eat enough vegetable, not even close, and you drink too much milk, and eat too much cheese."

I said " what r u now, do i need to remind u, u r my girl not my mom"

she said " i don't wanna look after an old man with diabetes. do u even watch ur cholesterol."

i said " first of all, i am not an old man, i was born after 1980s.. and i am only 5 years older than u, how am i an old man?? secondly, what cholesterol, i swim, i play basketball, and i jog.. i have a super active lifestyle"

she said " i am not talking about now, i am talking about 30 years later, 30 years from now, i don't want to be alone, all by myself again."

oh man.... i couldn't say anything other than "ok"...
and she said " no more skittles after meals, u can eat nuts instead."

but in my head....what makes her think we will still be together 30 years from now.. i won't be in her life 30 years from now. has she forgot where we met and how we met last year.. she is truly a civilian now...but i am still a wolf.

Don't hate me because i hunt, but hate me because i will break her heart
God i pray if i didn't meet her there, i pray i am not a hunter, i pray she was not an escort

i pray for forgiveness and understanding.
I do what i have to do, not necessarily what i want to do
It's my life, but i don't have total control over it. There are other people i need to take into consideration, my parents, my friends, especially my offsprings. what would they feel if one day they find out about their mother's past. or grandmother's past.
I have to be selfish. I have to protect them. I can not let anything or anyone jeapordize their happiness and their wellbeing. If it's just me at stake, I couldn't care less. but we are talking about my entire family, present and future, extended family.
so Forgive My Selfishness

happypooning

May 30th, 2014

sweetie's birthday is coming up in less than 2 weeks, so i bought her a princess ring, it's a very small diamond ring, only 0.25 carat.

nothing really happened lately that worth recording here. i just want to say, when a mm becomes a civilian, she is more "civilian" than a real civilian. i guess this a form of assimilation. re-emerging into the society gradually and naturally. hold hands in public, but almost no kissing in public, turn off the lights when we "make-love" often, no shower before love-making. certainly no BBBJ, no BLS, no DATY, no any of those.. maybe thats one of the reasons married wolves still hunt, besides want to try something different.

i know her birthday wish is gonna be something like me not seeing other girls again... u wait and see, she will say something like this year i don't need 3 wishes, just 1, i quit using escort,

maybe i really will, at least i will try, especially so many STD reviews from wolves recently, also the flu going around, so scary..perhaps a sign from God... i will see if i can just go to massage, that's only half cheating, since no sexual intercourse, i do not know.. i can't change in a day, i will at least cut it down, i know i say that often, but at least i have a desire to try, and i do care about her.

i would not let anyone or anything hurt sweetie, but if i continue hunting like 2- 3 times a week, this is bound to happen. i will be the one who hurts her, bring her STD, bring her flu, bring her headache, bring her worries. cutting down does not mean eliminating the risk 100% , but minimizing the risk

that's the least i can do and i have to do for now