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发表于 2014-12-26 03:27:31 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
[color=#999999 !important]查看: 2201|[color=#999999 !important]回复: 62


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楼主
发表于 2011-11-5 11:48:47 | 只看该作者


在一個綜合科系博覽會中,不同科系對那檔的事有著不同的詮釋。

中文系:娘子,我們把燈滅了,寬衣解帶,早點休息吧。

數學系:別關燈,否則我無法找到你三點的座標。

化學系:我用我的滴管插入你的試管,看一看能否生成新的化合物。

物理系:根據能量守衡,我們今天晚上的總功率=零。

生化系:妳知嗎?現在正缺這兩個關鍵觸媒才能啟動「永生難忘」的神經 性蛋白質。

食品營養系:讓你嘗嘗高葡萄糖蛋白質的美容食品……法律系:妳……應該成年了吧。

生物系:讓我們……交配吧!

動物系:我發情了,妳呢?

經濟系:你是我的供給,我是你的需求。

會計系:讓我看你全身的財務報表是否要調整?

財政系:你該向我繳大稅嘍!

社會行政系:讓我關懷你的生命。

造船系:讓我航向你那裡!

醫學系:讓我幫你打一針吧?

木土系:可以灌漿了嗎?

資工系男:親愛的,對不起!我當機了……資管系女:啊……是系統資源不足嗎 ……?

航太系:快﹣倒數五秒…5,4,3,2,1(發)射了






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沙发
  楼主| 发表于 2011-11-5 11:51:50 | 只看该作者


一對大學情侶
在男生的強烈要求下
女生終於答應發生第一次關係
男生立刻帶著女友回宿舍
把燈關暗之後
兩人便開始翻雲覆雨
經過兩個小時
那女孩實在忍不住了
"哦 強尼 你太強了"
"強尼? 我不是強尼"
"你是誰 強尼呢?"
"強尼在門口賣票"





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板凳
  楼主| 发表于 2011-11-5 11:52:17 | 只看该作者


一艘船漂流到荒島上
只有1女10男僥倖生存

但是

一個月後
因為受不了這島上所發生噁心變態的事..............女子自殺了

二個月後
因為受不了這島上所發生噁心變態的事..............男人們把女子埋了

三個月後
因為受不了這島上所發生噁心變態的事..............男人們把女子挖出來了

四個月後
因為受不了這島上所發生噁心變態的事..............上帝讓女子復活了





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地板
  楼主| 发表于 2011-11-5 11:52:40 | 只看该作者


兩名釣客在海邊垂釣
其中一人釣上來一條美人魚
但他想了一下
就把美人魚放回海裡了
另一人很驚訝的說
"Why?"
那個幸運兒說
"How?"





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5#
  楼主| 发表于 2011-11-5 11:52:59 | 只看该作者


十七歲的女兒
一回到家就直奔爸爸的房間
"爸 給我錢 我要去買大麻"
"可以呀 先來幫爸爸吹一下"
"不要 你那麼老"
"那就沒錢囉"
"好啦 好啦
說好不可以射在嘴裡哦"
"知道了 快點"
"噁.. 爸
你那裡怎麼有大便的味道"
"哦 你弟剛剛也來要過錢"





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6#
  楼主| 发表于 2011-11-5 11:54:07 | 只看该作者


在幼兒先修班裡
老師正在教學生認識英文字母
"來 跟著老師唸
a.b.c.d...."
有個小女生很用力的舉手
"老師 我馬媽說B是髒話不能說"
"胡說 B怎麼會是髒話"
"可是我馬媽真的這樣說呀"
剛畢業的女老師這下子動怒了
"老師告訴妳
妳馬媽的B是台灣人用的
那就是髒話
老師的B是給外國人用的
那就不是髒話了
知道嗎"





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7#
发表于 2013-8-30 01:17:51 | 只看该作者


情人節和清明節的區別

在北京搭一計程車,上車後此司機正開著收音機聽體育新聞。
播到足球消息,的士司機說:
"如果找十幾個20歲左右的死刑犯,讓他們練四年足球,然後他們踢世界盃,出線了就出獄,出不了拉回來槍斃,中國足球一準兒出線。"

我驚異於他的想法,問道:
"那麼解決現在離婚越來越厲害的現象呢?"
司機掐斷煙頭狠心的說道:
"真正能阻止離婚的婚姻法是,離婚後房子歸國家."

我開始佩服他了,於是又問:
"現在情人節和清明節的區別是?"
司機想了想說:
"情人節和清明節是一樣的,都是送花,送吃的,區別在於:
情人節燒真錢,說一堆鬼話給人聽;
清明節燒假錢,說一堆人話給鬼聽!











One small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind - Neil Armstrong, JUL21 1969.
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8#
发表于 2013-8-30 05:08:20 | 只看该作者


Ben2009 发表于 2011-11-4 22:51
一對大學情侶
在男生的強烈要求下
女生終於答應發生第一次關係


hahaha. so many wolves banging her, Johnny is pimping her





coldfeet before the trip, it will be over soon, but so much can happen in a blink of an eye, let alone weeks. dont let me down sweetie, u gonna completely alter my lifepath once u step into that house
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9#
发表于 2013-8-30 05:09:02 | 只看该作者


Ben2009 发表于 2011-11-4 22:52
兩名釣客在海邊垂釣
其中一人釣上來一條美人魚
但他想了一下


hahaha...how??!! she must have at least one hole





coldfeet before the trip, it will be over soon, but so much can happen in a blink of an eye, let alone weeks. dont let me down sweetie, u gonna completely alter my lifepath once u step into that house
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10#
发表于 2013-8-30 05:10:35 | 只看该作者


dragondick 发表于 2013-8-29 12:17
情人節和清明節的區別

在北京搭一計程車,上車後此司機正開著收音機聽體育新聞。


omg this is funny. especially towards to the end, so freaking true





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 楼主| 发表于 2014-12-26 03:27:59 | 显示全部楼层
楼主: Ben2009

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11#
发表于 2013-10-17 10:08:24 | 只看该作者


hahah





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12#
发表于 2013-10-29 20:55:02 | 只看该作者


Rape impossible!
Woman with skirt up run faster than man with trousers down!





coldfeet before the trip, it will be over soon, but so much can happen in a blink of an eye, let alone weeks. dont let me down sweetie, u gonna completely alter my lifepath once u step into that house
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13#
发表于 2013-10-29 21:00:00 | 只看该作者


I wonder if Chinese tourists get upset when they buy a souvenir from America, only to find out it was made in China.

        A soldier serving in Asia met this lovely Chinese girl in the park. They ended up having dinner and, that night in the hotel while having sex, the girl let out a very loud fart. The soldier jumped out of the bed to get away from the odor. The embarassed girl looked up at him and said, "Oh, so sorry but, front hole so HAPPY, back hole MUST CHEER."





coldfeet before the trip, it will be over soon, but so much can happen in a blink of an eye, let alone weeks. dont let me down sweetie, u gonna completely alter my lifepath once u step into that house
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14#
发表于 2013-10-29 21:10:26 | 只看该作者


Girl: "Hey, what's up?" Boy: "If I tell you, will you sit on it?" Q: How do you get a nun pregnant? A: Dress her up as an alter boy. Q: Why can't you play Uno with a Mexican? A: They steal all the green cards. Q: Why don't orphans play baseball? A: They don't know where home is Q: What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? A: At least a zit waits until you’re a teenager before it cums on your face! Q: What does it mean when your boyfriend is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough. Boy: "Want to hear a joke about my dick? Never mind, its too long." Girl: "Wanna hear a joke about my pussy? Never mind, you won't get it." Q: How do you tell if a chick is too fat to fuck ? A: When you pull her pants down her ass is still in them Q: What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? A: Tug-of-whore. Q: What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection? A: A Quarter Ponder with Cheese. Q: Why do they call it PMS? A: Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg? A: Pick him up and suck on his cock!





coldfeet before the trip, it will be over soon, but so much can happen in a blink of an eye, let alone weeks. dont let me down sweetie, u gonna completely alter my lifepath once u step into that house
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15#
发表于 2013-10-29 21:28:32 | 只看该作者


A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

all single ladies, quit saying u should just give up and get a cat as pet. If no man wants u,don't force an innocent cat to live with u.....





coldfeet before the trip, it will be over soon, but so much can happen in a blink of an eye, let alone weeks. dont let me down sweetie, u gonna completely alter my lifepath once u step into that house
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16#
发表于 2013-10-30 08:02:17 | 只看该作者


英文之 難譯



Jokes for sharing.

1)英文不好1

一位老兄獨自到紐約出差。工作之餘,打算看看風景名勝。

為此,他查考了大量的資料,選擇去自由女神像。為了週全,甚至把自由女神詢問臺的電話都找到了:666-2613。

當天,他叫了輛計程車準備出發,下面是他和計程車司機的談話...

計程車司機問道:Where do you want to go, Sir?  

老兄不知道自由女神像英文稱為 Statue of Liberty,他想自由應該是 FREE,女神大
概是 WOMAN。於是回答司機:FREE WOMAN!

司機聽成「免費的女人」,馬上道:What? Oh! Hey man, Here is America, nothing is free!  

老兄:Oh! How come! I read it from yellow page. See, here is the phone
number: sex-sex-sex-two-sex-one-free. '

2)英文不好2

一位在美的留學生,想要考國際駕照。

在考試時因為過於緊張,看到地上標線是向左轉。他不放心的問道:Turn left?

監考官回答:Right.

於是他立刻向右轉。

很抱歉他只有下次再來。


3)英文不好3

有位女士,個性喜愛買便宜貨。

某日紐約曼哈頓名牌衣飾大減價;她去揀便宜,選來選去,終於挑到一件。但樣式新潮,不敢確定是女裝還是男裝。

正巧一位又高又壯又黑的男服務員朝她走過來。

就用英語問他:for Girl or Boy?

黑人回答:Unisex.

她聽成「You need sex」,豈不是性騷擾?又怕自己聽錯,露出錯愕懷疑的神情;

黑服務員見狀,一個字母一個字母地解釋:U – N – I – SEX !

這次她聽的很清楚「You and I Sex」,立即找黑人上司理論...


4)英文不好4

某男,亦初通英文,至使館,有表要填,有一欄是「sex」。

該男思之久已,毅然下筆:once a week.

簽證官觀後暴笑,曰:This item should be filled in with male or female.

該男頓時赧顏,思之,填下:female.

官楞之,曰:Shouldn't it be male?

男急釋曰:I am a normal man, so I have sex with female.


5)英文不好 5

某人刻苦學習英語,終有小成。

一日上街不慎與一老外相撞,連忙說:I am sorry.

老外應道:I am sorry too.

某人聽後又道:I am sorry three.

老外不解,問:What are you sorry for?

某人無奈,道:I am sorry five.


6)英文不好6

一個外國人要買電影票,售票小姐因為不會說英文,
就請排在他後面的國中生告訴外國人說:「現在只剩站票,看他要不要買。」

國中生就對外國人說:No seat, you see no see? if see, stand see.
(沒位子了,你看不看?如果要看,站著看)

外國人聽完後,對國中生說:I don't understand your English.

國中生聽到就對售票小姐說:「他說他不懂英文!」


7)英文不好7

一中學老師把 KFC 肯德基店的廣告「We do chicken right!」
發給學生練習翻譯,結果有以下答案:

1. 我們做雞是對的!
2. 我們就是做雞的!
3. 我們有做雞的權利!
4. 我們只做雞的右半邊!
5. 我們只作右邊的雞!
6. 我們可以做雞,對吧?
7. 我們行使了雞的權利!
8. 我們主張雞權!
9. 我們還是做雞好!
10. 做雞有理!
11. 我們讓雞向右看齊!
12. 我們只做正確的雞!
13. 我們肯定是雞!
14. 只有我們可以做雞!
15. 向右看!有雞!
16. 我們要對雞好!
17. 我們願意雞好!
18. 我們的材料是正宗的雞肉!
19. 我們公正的做雞!
20. 我們做雞正點耶!
21. 我們只做正版的雞!
22. 我們做雞做的很正確!
23. 我們正在做雞好不好?
24. 我們一定要把雞打成右派!
25. 我們做的是右派的雞!
26. 我們只做右撇子雞!
27. 我們做雞最專業!

And, of course, the most creative one is...

28. 我們叫雞有理!  





One small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind - Neil Armstrong, JUL21 1969.
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17#
发表于 2013-10-30 13:00:41 | 只看该作者



英文之 難譯



Jokes for sharing.

1)英文不好1

一位老兄獨自到紐約出差。工作之餘,打算看看風景名勝。

為此,他查考了大量的資料,選擇去自由女神像。為了週全,甚至把自由女神詢問臺的電話都找到了:666-2613。

當天,他叫了輛計程車準備出發,下面是他和計程車司機的談話...

計程車司機問道:Where do you want to go, Sir?  

老兄不知道自由女神像英文稱為 Statue of Liberty,他想自由應該是 FREE,女神大
概是 WOMAN。於是回答司機:FREE WOMAN!

司機聽成「免費的女人」,馬上道:What? Oh! Hey man, Here is America, nothing is free!  

老兄:Oh! How come! I read it from yellow page. See, here is the phone
number: sex-sex-sex-two-sex-one-free. '

2)英文不好2

一位在美的留學生,想要考國際駕照。

在考試時因為過於緊張,看到地上標線是向左轉。他不放心的問道:Turn left?

監考官回答:Right.

於是他立刻向右轉。

很抱歉他只有下次再來。


3)英文不好3

有位女士,個性喜愛買便宜貨。

某日紐約曼哈頓名牌衣飾大減價;她去揀便宜,選來選去,終於挑到一件。但樣式新潮,不敢確定是女裝還是男裝。

正巧一位又高又壯又黑的男服務員朝她走過來。

就用英語問他:for Girl or Boy?

黑人回答:Unisex.

她聽成「You need sex」,豈不是性騷擾?又怕自己聽錯,露出錯愕懷疑的神情;

黑服務員見狀,一個字母一個字母地解釋:U – N – I – SEX !

這次她聽的很清楚「You and I Sex」,立即找黑人上司理論...


4)英文不好4

某男,亦初通英文,至使館,有表要填,有一欄是「sex」。

該男思之久已,毅然下筆:once a week.

簽證官觀後暴笑,曰:This item should be filled in with male or female.

該男頓時赧顏,思之,填下:female.

官楞之,曰:Shouldn't it be male?

男急釋曰:I am a normal man, so I have sex with female.


5)英文不好 5

某人刻苦學習英語,終有小成。

一日上街不慎與一老外相撞,連忙說:I am sorry.

老外應道:I am sorry too.

某人聽後又道:I am sorry three.

老外不解,問:What are you sorry for?

某人無奈,道:I am sorry five.


this is my favorite. i am sharing!!!





coldfeet before the trip, it will be over soon, but so much can happen in a blink of an eye, let alone weeks. dont let me down sweetie, u gonna completely alter my lifepath once u step into that house
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18#
发表于 2013-10-30 14:05:45 | 只看该作者


happypooning 发表于 2013-10-30 13:00
英文之 難譯


Please contribute some jokes too!  





One small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind - Neil Armstrong, JUL21 1969.
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19#
发表于 2013-11-1 11:32:12 | 只看该作者


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4jrh-m71pvs

The above video is really funny!  





One small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind - Neil Armstrong, JUL21 1969.
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20#
发表于 2013-11-1 13:56:27 | 只看该作者


dragondick 发表于 2013-11-1 11:32
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4jrh-m71pvs

The above video is really funny!


hahaha omg!! so cheap so low.. can't get any lower than that.. i wonder if he got away with it, what if the girl told her BF..





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 楼主| 发表于 2014-12-26 03:28:16 | 显示全部楼层
楼主: Ben2009

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21#
发表于 2013-11-4 20:00:10 | 只看该作者


Why do prostitutes make more money than drug dealers?

Because they can wash their crack and sell it again!


A woman walks into a Kalgoorlie accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.”

He gets her name, address etc. And then asks,”What’s your occupation?”

“I’m a prostitute,” she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, “Let’s try to rephrase that.”

The woman says, “OK, I’m a high-end call girl”. “No, that still won’t work. Try again.”

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, “I’m an elite poultry farmer.”

The accountant asks, “What does poultry farming have to do with being a prostitute?”

“Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year”

“Ok, Poultry Farmer it is.”





coldfeet before the trip, it will be over soon, but so much can happen in a blink of an eye, let alone weeks. dont let me down sweetie, u gonna completely alter my lifepath once u step into that house
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22#
发表于 2013-11-4 20:01:29 | 只看该作者


Pregnant Prostitute

Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, “do you know who the father is?”
“For f…. sakes ,if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?”

So True

Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself.

The Moral of the story:

In life, no one helps you once you’ve been f@#ked.





coldfeet before the trip, it will be over soon, but so much can happen in a blink of an eye, let alone weeks. dont let me down sweetie, u gonna completely alter my lifepath once u step into that house
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23#
发表于 2013-11-4 20:02:12 | 只看该作者


Drive By

A guy broke into my apartment last week.

He didn’t take my TV, just the remote.

Now he drives by and changes the channels.

Sick Bastard!





coldfeet before the trip, it will be over soon, but so much can happen in a blink of an eye, let alone weeks. dont let me down sweetie, u gonna completely alter my lifepath once u step into that house
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24#
发表于 2013-11-4 20:02:39 | 只看该作者


Scam

Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled “My Favourite 18 Holes”. Turns out it’s about golf.
Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don’t get scammed.





coldfeet before the trip, it will be over soon, but so much can happen in a blink of an eye, let alone weeks. dont let me down sweetie, u gonna completely alter my lifepath once u step into that house
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25#
发表于 2013-11-4 20:06:04 | 只看该作者


I told her : “I might not be rich, I have no money or villa or cars or companies like my friend John, but I love you and adore you.

You will be the happiest woman with me.

She looked at me with tears in her eyes and hugged me like there is no tomorrow and whispered in my ear:

“If you love me, introduce me to John…”





coldfeet before the trip, it will be over soon, but so much can happen in a blink of an eye, let alone weeks. dont let me down sweetie, u gonna completely alter my lifepath once u step into that house
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26#
发表于 2013-11-4 20:06:54 | 只看该作者


Joe was walking home late at night and sees the shadow of a woman.

“Twenty dollars…”she whispers.

He’d never been with a hooker before, but he decides, what the
hell, it’s only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.

They’re going “at it” for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them . . it’s a police officer!

“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” Joe answers indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” Joe says, “neither did I, until you flashed that light on her face”.





coldfeet before the trip, it will be over soon, but so much can happen in a blink of an eye, let alone weeks. dont let me down sweetie, u gonna completely alter my lifepath once u step into that house
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27#
发表于 2013-11-4 22:55:03 | 只看该作者


happypooning 发表于 2013-11-4 20:06
Joe was walking home late at night and sees the shadow of a woman.

“Twenty dollars…”she whispers ...


I will give your joke a different twist from the 3rd paragraph:

"That is too much.  How about ten?"

"I sell only one price, no deal."

Next day, he was having dinner with wife in a neighbourhood eatery, in came the lady of the night who he talked to the night before.

She recognized him, & said, "i told you so, look what have you got for your lousy $10!"


The moral of the story?  唔怕貨比貨,最怕唔識貨!





One small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind - Neil Armstrong, JUL21 1969.
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28#
发表于 2013-11-4 23:08:48 | 只看该作者


dragondick 发表于 2013-11-4 22:55
I will give your joke a different twist from the 3rd paragraph:

"That is too much.  How about ten ...


u have quite a talent!! good imagination too. i wonder what's ur profession, author, reporter, or some kind advertising agent





coldfeet before the trip, it will be over soon, but so much can happen in a blink of an eye, let alone weeks. dont let me down sweetie, u gonna completely alter my lifepath once u step into that house
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29#
发表于 2013-11-5 01:03:57 | 只看该作者







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30#
发表于 2013-11-5 03:37:17 | 只看该作者


happypooning 发表于 2013-11-4 23:08
u have quite a talent!! good imagination too. i wonder what's ur profession, author, reporter, or  ...


When young girls ask me re my profession, I usually telll them that I am an OB/GYN doctor (婦產科醫生), & that they must pay me to examine them!  





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 楼主| 发表于 2014-12-26 03:28:34 | 显示全部楼层
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31#
发表于 2013-11-5 09:26:44 | 只看该作者


dragondick 发表于 2013-11-5 03:37
When young girls ask me re my profession, I usually telll them that I am an OB/GYN doctor (婦產科 ...


it's a nice joke, but i don't think i can pull it off, more convincing if u r 50+





coldfeet before the trip, it will be over soon, but so much can happen in a blink of an eye, let alone weeks. dont let me down sweetie, u gonna completely alter my lifepath once u step into that house
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32#
发表于 2013-11-5 18:31:46 | 只看该作者


Once there was a little boy who was curious about what a strip club was like so one day he decided to sneak into one. Once he was in, he watched as the strippers danced. He watched until they started taking of their clothing. That's when he bolted out the door and started running down the street and into a man. The man asks the boy, "What's wrong young man? You look like you just saw a ghost!". The little boy replies, "My mommy and daddy told me that if I ever watched anybody undress, I'd turn to stone...and all of a sudden I felt something hard!".





coldfeet before the trip, it will be over soon, but so much can happen in a blink of an eye, let alone weeks. dont let me down sweetie, u gonna completely alter my lifepath once u step into that house
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33#
发表于 2013-11-5 18:34:02 | 只看该作者


Three guys went to a striptease joint. The young lady on stage, wearing only a thong and a smile came up to the first guy and performs her dance for him. He took out $100.00, and slipped it in her panties on the left.

Then she proceeded to the second guy, did her same dance and the second guy took out $100.00 and slipped it in the right side of her panties.

She then went to the third guy and performs her dance. He then pulls out his wallet, only to realize that he did not have any cash.

So he took his debt card out, swiped it between her butt cheeks, and took the $200.00.





coldfeet before the trip, it will be over soon, but so much can happen in a blink of an eye, let alone weeks. dont let me down sweetie, u gonna completely alter my lifepath once u step into that house
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34#
发表于 2013-11-5 18:35:28 | 只看该作者


A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas. So the poor man asks the rich man, "what are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says "well, if she doesn't like the earrings she can drive to the store and exchange them."

The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him "so, what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "a pair of slippers and a dildo." The rich man asks "why those two things?" The poor man astutely responds "this way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself."





coldfeet before the trip, it will be over soon, but so much can happen in a blink of an eye, let alone weeks. dont let me down sweetie, u gonna completely alter my lifepath once u step into that house
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35#
发表于 2013-11-5 18:58:16 | 只看该作者


An African tribal chief had a harem of many young girls.

One day, one of the Chief's teenage son, who was growing up, approached the Chief & asked if he could take one of the girls as his wife.

Chief:  "Show me your thing, & let me see whether you are ready."
The son took his JJ out which was about 6".
Chief:  " You are not ready yet because it is too short.  Pull it daily & when it is long enough, come back to see me"

The son pulled & pulled daily until the JJ ireached 12".  

Then he approached the Chief to show him his "pride & joy".

The Chief took his JJ out which was considerably longer than 12" & showed it to the son.  

The son had no response, kept quiet, & left in shame; but decided to intensify his pulling exercise.

After a few months, he went back to see the Chief because this time, his JJ hung around his ankle.

The Chief was happy to see his son's improvement.

He said to the son, "Can you bend it backwards to form a loop?"
Son, "Yes, I can."
Chief, "That's very good!  Now bend it backwards, & fuck yourself!"





One small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind - Neil Armstrong, JUL21 1969.
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36#
发表于 2013-11-6 09:38:15 | 只看该作者


dragondick 发表于 2013-11-5 18:58
An African tribal chief had a harem of many young girls.

One day, one of the Chief's teenage son, w ...


hahaha..i kind of saw it coming.. this chief is selfish..he won't have any grandkids if his son is fcking himself





coldfeet before the trip, it will be over soon, but so much can happen in a blink of an eye, let alone weeks. dont let me down sweetie, u gonna completely alter my lifepath once u step into that house
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37#
发表于 2013-11-6 11:29:26 | 只看该作者


happypooning 发表于 2013-11-6 09:38
hahaha..i kind of saw it coming.. this chief is selfish..he won't have any grandkids if his son is ...


I have plenty of adult jokes 'cos I have memory only for this subject.

As long as there is an inducement or hint, I will have a joke for all occasions!





One small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind - Neil Armstrong, JUL21 1969.
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38#
发表于 2013-11-6 12:37:51 | 只看该作者


i will keep that in mind at all time, not to share my favourite dishes with u, u would ruin it and give me a dirty mental image





coldfeet before the trip, it will be over soon, but so much can happen in a blink of an eye, let alone weeks. dont let me down sweetie, u gonna completely alter my lifepath once u step into that house
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39#
发表于 2013-11-6 14:14:31 | 只看该作者


There was one time I had dinner with male office-mates, they asked me to tell jokes.

I agreed & went on, non-stop for one full hour of dirty jokes.

I didn't eat much & of course the other guys can't eat either, 'cos they cannot eat & laugh at the same time.    They complained of jaw muscle pain afterwards.





One small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind - Neil Armstrong, JUL21 1969.
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40#
发表于 2013-11-6 18:30:43 | 只看该作者


dragondick 发表于 2013-11-6 14:14
There was one time I had dinner with male office-mates, they asked me to tell jokes.

I agreed & wen ...


are most of ur jokes in english or chinese, as weird as it sounds, i think i appreciate jokes differently, i have different sense of humor for chinese and english. if that makes any sense





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 楼主| 发表于 2014-12-26 03:29:00 | 显示全部楼层
楼主: Ben2009

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41#
发表于 2013-11-6 19:22:35 | 只看该作者


I have multi-lingual jokes.

I am "talented" in this respect.  When you are really good, there is no need to be humble!  





One small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind - Neil Armstrong, JUL21 1969.
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42#
发表于 2013-11-6 19:54:54 | 只看该作者


A prosperous and somewhat amorous businessman propositioned a beautiful chorus girl of well-proportioned figure to spend the night with him for $500.

When he was ready to leave the next morning, certain things having transpired, he told her he didn't have that much money with him, but would have his secretary mail her a check for it, made out with a memo of RENT FOR APARTMENT, to avoid any embarrassment.

On the way to the office, however, after thinking the matter over carefully, he decided the night hadn't been worth what he’d agreed to pay. As a result, he had his secretary send a check for $250 instead, and enclosed the following explanatory note:

Dear Madam:

"Enclosed is a cheque for the amount of $250 for rent on your apartment. I am sending this amount instead of the amount originally agreed upon, because when I rented this apartment, I was under the impression that...

1. It had never been occupied
2. There was plenty of heat
3. It was small

Last night, I found that it had been occupied many times, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large!"

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check, with this note:

"I am returning the check for $250. I cannot understand how you could expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied. As for the heat... there is plenty of it there if you know how to turn it on. As for the size, it's not my fault if you didn't have enough furniture to furnish it."





coldfeet before the trip, it will be over soon, but so much can happen in a blink of an eye, let alone weeks. dont let me down sweetie, u gonna completely alter my lifepath once u step into that house
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43#
发表于 2013-11-6 19:55:58 | 只看该作者


  A fellow checked into a hotel on a business trip recently and was a bit lonely so he thought he'd get one of those girls you see advertised in the phone books under "Escorts and Massages". He opened the phone book to an ad for a girl calling herself Erotique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. So he is in his room and figures, what the hell, he gives her a call.

"Hello?" the woman says. God she sounded sexy! "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic ....but for an outside line you need To press 9".





coldfeet before the trip, it will be over soon, but so much can happen in a blink of an eye, let alone weeks. dont let me down sweetie, u gonna completely alter my lifepath once u step into that house
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44#
发表于 2013-11-6 19:58:02 | 只看该作者


escort agency
An important senator arranges to use an escort service (high-class prostitution)
and winds up with this beautiful Japanese girl who speaks little English, but hey,
he wasn't in the mood for conversation anyway. So they get at it, and she gets
into it like no woman he's ever seen! She starts yelling this Japanese word and
making faces and he can tell he's driving her crazy! He's never had it so good. So
the next morning, he's golfing with the Japanese ambassador, and he makes a
birdie. He suddenly remembers the word that the woman yelled at what must
have been the moment of climax the night before, and he yells it out. The
ambassador looks at him rather oddly, looks at the pin, and says, "no, that was
the right hole..."





coldfeet before the trip, it will be over soon, but so much can happen in a blink of an eye, let alone weeks. dont let me down sweetie, u gonna completely alter my lifepath once u step into that house
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45#
发表于 2013-11-13 15:06:46 | 只看该作者


LOST IN TRANSLATION:


http://distractify.com/fun/fails ... ations-of-all-time/



        







One small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind - Neil Armstrong, JUL21 1969.
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46#
发表于 2013-11-14 15:32:54 | 只看该作者


dragondick 发表于 2013-11-13 15:06
LOST IN TRANSLATION:


the man in bikni in the bike instant boner killer.. i thought it was a hot chick at first

thanks for sharing again.. i saved to my fav. will go when i need to kill some time





coldfeet before the trip, it will be over soon, but so much can happen in a blink of an eye, let alone weeks. dont let me down sweetie, u gonna completely alter my lifepath once u step into that house
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47#
发表于 2013-11-14 16:08:56 | 只看该作者


dragondick 发表于 2013-11-13 15:06
LOST IN TRANSLATION:


Video/photo has now been removed by the original "poster".  





One small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind - Neil Armstrong, JUL21 1969.
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48#
发表于 2013-11-15 08:48:35 | 只看该作者


Let me try again:

http://distractify.com/fun/fails ... ations-of-all-time/







One small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind - Neil Armstrong, JUL21 1969.
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49#
发表于 2013-11-15 19:39:59 | 只看该作者


dragondick 发表于 2013-11-15 08:48
Let me try again:

http://distractify.com/fun/fails ... ations-of-all-time/ ...


#48 haha please only pee here!! omg hand grenade is the fire extinguisher

lol my favourite. welcome go home!!





coldfeet before the trip, it will be over soon, but so much can happen in a blink of an eye, let alone weeks. dont let me down sweetie, u gonna completely alter my lifepath once u step into that house
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50#
发表于 2013-11-16 01:21:43 | 只看该作者


happypooning 发表于 2013-11-15 19:39
#48 haha please only pee here!! omg hand grenade is the fire extinguisher

lol my favourite. welc ...


You don't like "fuck the vegetables"?  





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 楼主| 发表于 2014-12-26 03:29:31 | 显示全部楼层
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51#
发表于 2013-11-16 15:25:11 | 只看该作者


dragondick 发表于 2013-11-16 01:21
You don't like "fuck the vegetables"?


i have seen that line long time ago from my friend's online blog..he is an international student from china, doesnt speak english that well, its a true story, he went to buy a drink from starbucks, some kind green tea macha smoothie, he needed a straw " he said " can i have a suck" the girl was confused..i was holy shit, i jumped in right away, said he meant straw, he needs a straw.. he then took out his electronic dictionary showed me, suck means straw...omg





coldfeet before the trip, it will be over soon, but so much can happen in a blink of an eye, let alone weeks. dont let me down sweetie, u gonna completely alter my lifepath once u step into that house
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52#
发表于 2013-11-16 19:01:24 | 只看该作者


happypooning 发表于 2013-11-16 15:25
i have seen that line long time ago from my friend's online blog..he is an international student f ...


Your friend must be Rob Ford's room-mate in University!  





One small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind - Neil Armstrong, JUL21 1969.
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53#
发表于 2013-11-16 23:53:04 | 只看该作者


dragondick 发表于 2013-11-16 19:01
Your friend must be Rob Ford's room-mate in University!


his body shape is pretty close rob ford, in fact i called him danny the fatty.





coldfeet before the trip, it will be over soon, but so much can happen in a blink of an eye, let alone weeks. dont let me down sweetie, u gonna completely alter my lifepath once u step into that house
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54#
发表于 2014-1-29 08:53:40 | 只看该作者


一美少女頭暈去看醫生。
醫生問:「何故?」
答曰:「吃了20片避孕藥。」
醫生又問:「爲何不按說明書用藥?」
答:「就是按說明書用藥的,說明書上寫著:一次一片。」
醫生:(…… ) (smirk)



2.
天冷了,丈夫找毛衣。
妻子說:「洗了一下,小了,送給我哥了。」
丈夫又找毛褲。
妻子又說:「洗了一下,小了,送給我弟了。」
丈夫火了:「你把我也洗一下,送給你妹吧!」


3.
一對情侶結伴旅行。
當他倆乘坐的火車穿過漫長的隧道出來以後,男的說:「如果早知道隧道這麽長,我就給你一個吻!」
「天那!」女的驚叫起來,「剛才吻我的不是你嗎?」



4.
有個醫院發生火災,消防員把火撲滅後,向院長報告:「火已經滅掉,我們在地下室裏發現三個受傷人員,其中兩個用人工呼吸的辦法已經救活,另一個沒救過來。」
院長一聽,就昏過去了,衆人又開始救院長,終於,院長醒了過來,說:「我們的地下室可是太平間啊...... 」



5.
老公:「老婆,自從我結婚後,我的視力就出問題了!」
老婆:「什麽症狀?」
老公:「我看不見錢了!」



6.
有個孕婦快要臨盆了,寶寶在肚子裏動來動去,讓她睡不踏實 。
這天晚上,她又翻來覆去,睡不著覺。
丈夫問:「你怎麽還不睡覺?」
孕婦氣呼呼的說:「你兒子不睡覺唄!」
丈夫想了想說:「他應該是知道要出來了,在裏面收拾行李呢 .. 。」



7.
老婆qq簽名寫的:「老公,要是我有什麽做的不好,做的不對,做的不到位的地方,你一定要和我說啊,千萬別憋在心裏,反正我也不會 改,別再把你憋出什麽毛病……」



8.
老王打牌輸了十塊錢,被媳婦當衆數落了。
我看老王挺可憐,就安慰他說:「你這還算好的,上星期我在菜市場遠遠看見一個男人被他媳婦罵的狗血淋頭,那才叫丟人!」
老王聽完眼淚就掉下來了,說:「那也是我!」



9.
走到胡同裏聽見樓上有人喊我:「陛下……陛下!」
我擡頭應了一聲:「幹嗎? 」然後就被潑了一臉水 。
樓上潑水的女的說:「早喊你避一下嘛,活該!」








One small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind - Neil Armstrong, JUL21 1969.
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55#
发表于 2014-1-29 17:56:59 | 只看该作者



一美少女頭暈去看醫生。
醫生問:「何故?」
答曰:「吃了20片避孕藥。」
醫生又問:「爲何不按說明書用藥?」
答:「就是按說明書用藥的,說明書上寫著:一次一片。」
醫生:(…… ) (smirk)

hahahah...technically she is right

他應該是知道要出來了,在裏面收拾行李呢 ..

this is a clever husband.. i will use it one day





coldfeet before the trip, it will be over soon, but so much can happen in a blink of an eye, let alone weeks. dont let me down sweetie, u gonna completely alter my lifepath once u step into that house
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56#
发表于 2014-5-2 11:52:19 | 只看该作者


粵語玩笑

這些名字很有趣, 笑到肚痛!  
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> 兩父子:阿爸叫李傑 , 佢個仔叫李頌傑。  
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

> 運輸處 6 號櫃臺前排著長龍,這時候揚聲器傳出:「陸浩昌請到5號窗排隊」排隊人龍聽後便連忙移過隔鄰 5 號窗繼續排隊,此時,一人從大門外奔入來,口中喊道:「陸浩昌,陸浩昌嚟緊!」正在排隊的人龍為之氣結……  
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

> 吳潔芬去註冊結婚,由於太感动又緊張,宣誓時只能重覆說 :“我…吳..潔芬……" “我…吳..潔芬………"  
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

> 公寓清潔阿嬸見電話響,拿起大聲問:搵邊個?
> “ 尹小姐” 。
> 嬸答:“呢度冇小姐搵!”
> 電話又響,阿嬸又問:搵邊個?
> “我搵李潔芬!”
> 嬸答:“啋!我就嚟六十歲囉!仲結婚?
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

> 「費」字,如果做姓氏時,音讀「秘」。
> 警察查身分證:你叫咩名?
> 路人:費密 ( 秘密 )
> 警察做嘢呀!咪玩啦!
> 費密:都話秘密咯!
> 警察:仲玩?拎身分證嚟!
> 費密俾身分證警察 ....
> 警察:哦!原來係費密 ( 廢物 ) !
> 費密:係費密 ( 秘密 )
> 警察:廢物就廢物啦!有咩咁秘密啫!
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

> 某人排隊見工,公司職員向求職者問道:
> A: 你叫咩名呀 ?
> B: 鍾定英 ( 中定英 ?)
> A: 中文啦 !
> B: 鍾定英
> A: 唏…咁,英文啦 !
> B: Chung Ting Ying  





One small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind - Neil Armstrong, JUL21 1969.
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57#
发表于 2014-5-2 14:52:50 | 只看该作者


dragondick 发表于 2014-5-2 11:52
粵語玩笑

這些名字很有趣, 笑到肚痛!  


i can get about 30%

last one i got it regarding name of a guy looking for work

first one...

father is li gei, son is li son gei.. right





coldfeet before the trip, it will be over soon, but so much can happen in a blink of an eye, let alone weeks. dont let me down sweetie, u gonna completely alter my lifepath once u step into that house
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58#
发表于 2014-5-2 17:55:03 | 只看该作者


Need to understand Cantonese to appreciate the jokes because it played on colloquial Cantonese terms & phrases.

Tell me which ones you don't understand & I will try to translate for you ("Lost in translation" exempted! ).





One small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind - Neil Armstrong, JUL21 1969.
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59#
发表于 2014-5-2 18:03:24 | 只看该作者


「陸浩昌,陸浩昌嚟緊!」正在排隊的人龍為之氣結……  ????

警察:哦!原來係費密 ( 廢物 ) !
> 費密:係費密 ( 秘密 )

i get the secret part, but trash?? useless? where did that come from





coldfeet before the trip, it will be over soon, but so much can happen in a blink of an eye, let alone weeks. dont let me down sweetie, u gonna completely alter my lifepath once u step into that house
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60#
发表于 2014-5-2 21:38:33 | 只看该作者


Cum brother HP, here you are:

運輸處 6 號櫃臺前排著長龍,There is a long queue in front of #6 counter ( 6 號櫃臺)

這時候揚聲器傳出:「陸浩昌請到5號窗排隊」Announcement from p.a. System: " Luk Ho-cheung (this is the name of a person, but it sounds like "people for #6 counter), please go to #5 counter."

排隊人龍聽後便連忙移過隔鄰 5 號窗繼續排隊,The queue quickly moved to #5 counter

此時,一人從大門外奔入來,口中喊道:「陸浩昌,陸浩昌嚟緊!」正在排隊的人龍為之氣結……  At this time, a person rushed forward, yelling “(I am) Luk Ho-cheung, (I am) Luk ho-cheong, (I am) coming!”   The queue which has just move to #5, got stunned.




> 「費」字,如果做姓氏時,音讀「秘」。 費 when used as family name, is pronounced “Bei” as in secret.  Under normal circumstances, it is pronounced “fai”.

> 警察查身分證:你叫咩名? A cop (stops a pedestrian & performs I.D. Check): “what is your name?”

> 路人:費密 ( 秘密 )  Pedestrian: “費密 (pronounced as “Bei Mut = Secret)

> 警察做嘢呀!咪玩啦! Cop:  “Cut the crap, get serious!”

> 費密:都話秘密咯!Pedestrian:  “I told you it is Bei Mut (Secret)”

> 警察:仲玩?拎身分證嚟! Cop:  “You still want to play games, eh?  Show me your I.D. Card!”

> 費密俾身分證警察 ....  費密/Pedestrian shows his I.D. Card to Cop.

> 警察:哦!原來係費密 ( 廢物 ) !Cop:  “Oh, it is 費密 Fei Mut!” (The cop's education level is not that high, & assumed the family name費 is pronounced in the usual way, as 廢. So, 費密
become 廢物, meaning trash.)

> 費密:係費密 ( 秘密 )  Pedestrian: (Trying to correct the Cop's pronunciation) It is 費密 (pronounced “Bei Mut” but sounds like “secret”.)

> 警察:廢物就廢物啦!有咩咁秘密啫! Cop:  “Trash is trash, what is so secretive about it?!”





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 楼主| 发表于 2014-12-26 03:29:48 | 显示全部楼层
楼主: Ben2009

笑話 [color=#999999 !important][color=rgb(153, 153, 153) !important][复制链接]
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61#
发表于 2014-5-3 09:49:07 | 只看该作者


got it.. trash is trash, what is so secretive about it..lol

were u a translator by any chance, because it's very systematic, not only u get the gist of it in a few words, but u also maintain the authenticity... my guess u were either a professional translator, or u were blessed in the language department..

feel free to PM me if u need intel from girls, i have seen most if not all the girls from EC, RM, mirage (50%) for now, DM (30%) TP (50%), Sassy (50%)..

i know u have similar taste like me, 5"7+ tall, busty, meaty, GFE...in fact i will pm u now





coldfeet before the trip, it will be over soon, but so much can happen in a blink of an eye, let alone weeks. dont let me down sweetie, u gonna completely alter my lifepath once u step into that house
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62#
发表于 2014-5-4 07:43:51 | 只看该作者


" 5"7+ tall, busty, meaty, GFE"

Yap, those are my required specs., but must add DFK & BBBJ to it.

Reluctantly, I take virgins too!  





One small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind - Neil Armstrong, JUL21 1969.
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63#
发表于 2014-5-4 12:05:52 | 只看该作者


dragondick 发表于 2014-5-4 07:43
" 5"7+ tall, busty, meaty, GFE"

Yap, those are my required specs., but must add DFK & BBBJ to it.


i will PM u if i come across mms fit ur description....well mine too.

but virgins??!! sorry not within my power. unable to deliver that. u r on ur own on that





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